she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
