Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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