Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
