hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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