Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
