apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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