Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
