Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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