OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
