we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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