oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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