oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
