why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
