Swine flu. Run for my life!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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