I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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