I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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