my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
