i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
