I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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