Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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