Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
