I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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