Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
