Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
