omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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