i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
This house was built for laser tag.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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