Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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