Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
