so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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