the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
