bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
