my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
