I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
