Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
