I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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