Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
