Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
