I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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