giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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