Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
