She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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