Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
