there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
