Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
