We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
