you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
