Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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