So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
