Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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