You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
