The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
