I wish I could teleport
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
