There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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